


Happy Scars

by EtherealBromance (EverythingBromance)



Series: Recovery is Just Another Word for Overcome [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Bromance, Drama, Gen, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Minho | Lee Know-centric, Panic Attacks, Protectiveness, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2020-08-20 06:43:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20223514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EverythingBromance/pseuds/EtherealBromance
Summary: Minho has been having thoughts, bad thoughts. But what happens when he gives into those bad thoughts?





	1. Comments

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING!
> 
> This fanfiction involves self harm and panic attacks, so if you get triggered or easily upset by stuff like this then turn away now!  
You've been warned!

One time. He looked at the comment section ONE time. Some were nice telling him "Minho dances so well!" or "Minho is so hot, and his dancing is amazing." Those comments made him smile, they made him remember who he dances for: Stays. But he kept scrolling, getting farther into the comments.

Minho's smile fell as he looked at his phone, laying on his bed.

"Minho should've stayed eliminated"

Another...

"Stray Kids should have stayed 8, Minhos dancing and singing is horrible"

One reply made his smile come back...

"If you don’t like one of them, get lost. Cause they will always be 9"

But his smile didn’t last. The comments stayed in the back of his mind all day. 

"Minho, it’s time to get up," Chan called into his room, "we have to leave in less than an hour!"

He grudgingly got out of bed, pushing the pain in his heart away. 

After he got ready and everyone was in the car on the way to the studio, Minho looked out the window, his mind wondering to the comments. Was his singing that bad? Was his dancing? His mind was clouded over with doubt, and by the time he got to the studio, he had to push them to the back of his mind again. 

They had to practice, they had a lot of work to do. 

Chan led the practice. Like he always does. He was a good leader, one of the best. Chan had a lot of stress, everyone knew that. The amount of times he would come back to the dorms late at night looking like a zombie was ridiculous. So why was Minho stressing over things complete strangers said?

He didn’t know, but he couldn’t let his thoughts get in the way.  
He had to practice…  
He had to get better.


	2. A Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minho finds a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if its not good, im trying.

The first time Minho messed up he didn’t really think about it. 

The second time he messed up he could feel the guilt and anxiety start to surface.

The third time Minho messed up he couldn’t stop thinking.

The fourth time Minho messed up, Chan had called a five-minute break.

“Are you okay Minho?”

“Yeah… just didn’t get much sleep.” Minho lied. 

Minho could see that Chan didn’t believe him, but he didn’t push any further. 

“I’m going to go to the bathroom.” Minho said as he hurriedly walked out the door.

Chan watched as Minho left the studio, he’s never seen Minho so anxious. 

“How is he?” Woojin asked walking up to Chan from his spot on the floor. 

“He said he didn’t get enough sleep.”

“You don’t believe him?”

“I do…” 

“But?” Woojin continued for him.

“He seemed anxious, I’ve never seen him like that before.”

“I’m sure everything’s fine... but we’ll keep an eye on him.” 

“Thanks, Woojin. Should we tell the others?” Chan asked looking at the other members scattered around the room. 

“No, wouldn’t want to worry them if it’s nothing.”

“Thank you Woojin.” Chan could always count on Woojin’s help on decisions whenever Chan felt overwhelmed or tired. Woojin was like the second leader of Stray Kids, being the oldest, Woojin could always help with the tough calls.

*

When Minho busted through the bathroom door, he had to make sure nobody was in there. He didn’t want anybody to see him break down. He knew It was going to happen, he couldn’t stop it. So many things going through his mind, it started to hurt. 

Guilt

Panic

Anxiety

Worthlessness

He couldn’t stop the tears that started to flow. He didn’t like this feeling, the loneliness. Minho stumbled to the sink, he looked in the mirror and saw his red and puffy eyes. He could see the panic in his own pupils. He turned on the faucet and cupped some water in his hands. He splashed the water on his face, it only helping for a second before new tears replaced the last ones. He couldn’t breathe. He was gasping for air, the pressure in his heart was hurting him. He didn’t want to feel this way. He wanted it to stop. He landed on the ground against the wall. He was trying to look around, but it was hard with the blurriness of his tears. Until his eyes landed upon a piece of glass laying on the ground. His emotions and breathless lungs clouding his judgment, he grabbed the piece of glass and did the first thing he could think of. He lifted his sleeve and cut. 

Not deep, just a trickle of blood. But it felt good, it felt like a release. He could breathe again. He knew it was wrong, but it felt like the piece of glass was helping him. The piece of glass was no longer glass, but a friend to Minho. 

A few minutes had passed since his friend had helped him, Minho could hear footsteps coming towards the bathroom, he quickly threw the piece of glass to the side and stood up. The tear stains no longer present on his face. The door opened.

“Hey, are you okay? You’ve been in here a while.” Hyunjin asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Minho said while trying to put on his most believable smile. 

Hyunjin looked skeptical. “Okay well its been five minutes and Chan wants us back in the studio.” 

“Okay I’m right behind you.” Hyunjin left the bathroom, walking back to the dance studio. Minho was walking towards the door, he took one last glance towards his friend on the floor, with the tiny amount of blood at the point. 

Minho knew he was going to see his friend again.


	3. Concern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group gets food, and Minho has a hard time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer Chapter!

After the practice was over, everyone was allowed to leave. Minho could practically feel Chan, Woojin, and Hyunjin’s stares through his head. Luckily, he hadn’t messed up the rest of the practice. He saw how their faces softened when the practice was over, thankful that he hadn’t stumbled, or missed a step this time.

When the group got back to the dorm, they all scattered. Jeongin going to the shower, to wash away the sweat. The others going to their rooms, with Felix and Hyunjin sitting on the couch watching tv. Minho stood in the front door, finally walking in and deciding to go to the kitchen. He got a water from the fridge and drank half of the bottle. He looked over to Felix and Hyunjin looking at him.

“What?”

“You just drank half of it… in one gulp.” Felix stated with one eyebrow raised, half amused and half concerned.

Minho just shrugged him off and went to his room. He closed the door behind him. He trudged to his bed and face planted into his pillow. He was very exhausted, after his panic attack he could sleep for hours. Remembering what happened in the bathroom, Minho reached for his right sleeve. He pulled it up to reveal a small cut near his wrist. It didn’t hurt that much, just like a paper cut. He sighed and decided to put a band-aid on it, just in case. Just in case someone saw it and asked how it happened. As much as Minho wanted to keep what he did a secret, he didn’t think he could lie to any of the others if they got suspicious and asked questions.

As Minho was in his thoughts there was a knock on the door.

“Come in!”

Minho looked over to his new guest. Jisung walked in, leaning against the doorframe.

“All of us are going to grab some food. Are you feeling alright to join us?”

Minho had to hide the shock he was feeling. Did Jisung know? He had a feeling that Chan, Woojin, and Hyunjin knew SOMETHING was wrong, but not everyone.

He could feel the panic start to rise again, he had to stop it. He couldn’t let them know. They would be disappointed, they would think he was weak, that he didn’t belong with them, that it should have been 8.

“-nho…Minho!” Jisung said, waving his hands in front of Minho’s face. He was a lot closer than he was before.

“What?”

“Are you okay? You just started hyperventilating.”

_Crap _

“Yeah I’m fine, I’ll be ready in five minutes.” He said with his pleading ‘I’m alright, but not really’ smile. Jisung had to accept it, not really wanting to push any further.

What he wanted to say was _“I can’t go, I don’t want to go, I don’t deserve to go.” _He had to force himself to get up for the second time today.

Minho walked out of his room to find the others getting their shoes on and arguing about what they should eat. 

Eventually Woojin won, making everyone else agreeing to get chicken for the 5th time this week. They would argue and complain if his huge smile didn’t make them forget why they would be angry.

Minho wanted to smile at their antics, but the thought of something bad happening at the restaurant prohibited him. He walked over to the others. They eventually all got ready.

*

They all got seated at the restaurant. Everyone was talking, having their own conversations, Minho couldn’t pay attention. His thoughts ran fast through his mind. He wanted it to stop.

_Did they invite me because they feel bad?_

_Do they want to keep an eye on me?_

_Do they trust me? They shouldn’t._

_Did they think I was a bad dancer? After todays practice, I wouldn’t blame them._

_If I wasn’t a part of Stray Kids, would anyone care? Or notice?_

Minho stared into nothing. He stopped breathing. Until he finally realized that somebody might notice, he quickly stood up and excused himself. Walking to the restroom quickly. With the concerned stares of the others on his back.

This couldn’t happen here, not again. He didn’t want them to find out, but he knew he couldn’t keep up.

But he had to try. Minho took a deep breathe and pulled out his phone. He took the case off and pulled out a razor blade.

He had gotten it from the bathroom when he got the band-aid. He figured he might need it again.

Minho quickly locked the door and went back to the sink. He rolled up his right sleeve again and removed the band-aid. He put the blade on the same spot. But he pushed deeper than before. A trail of blood fell down his hand and into the sink. The thoughts in his mind immediately vanished as he saw each drop of blood fall into the sink.

Minho sighed with the relief. He rested there for a minute leaning against the sink, just watching the blood flow from his cut like all his problems were swimming in it. Little did Minho know that the others hadn’t left their gazes from the bathroom Minho had disappeared from.

*

“I’m not the only one who thinks that was weird…right?” Seungmin asked the others.

“No.”

“He’s been acting really weird today.” Jisung added.

“Did any notice when it started?” Chan asked, finally looking at the others.

“I think it was around when he messed up at practice.” The oldest answered.

“Hyunjin? When you went to get him in the bathroom,” Chan said, “did you notice anything weird?”

“Not really, but he WAS sitting on the floor against the wall.”

“That’s definitely weird.” Changbin said.

“Should we just ask him?”

“No, I think It would be better for him to come to us. That way we don’t make things worse.” Chan said, answering the fourth youngest’s question.

*

When Minho finally decided he was ok for now, he washed the blood off his hands, put the band-aid over the still semi-bleeding cut and rolled down his sleeve.

When he walked out, he could see the others had gotten their food and had begun eating. When he sat down, he tried to give his most reassuring smile.

It was becoming a regular thing, faking his happiness, his smiles. But he figured that eventually he would get over all of it and move on. But he couldn’t stop himself from the fear of the future if this continued.

But would stopping now just make things worse. The cutting was helping him. Wasn’t it?


	4. Suspicion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chnagbin and Minho have a talk.

When they got back to the dorm, it was already getting dark. Most of them going to their rooms to sleep. Minho doing the same.

When Minho got in his room he immediately laid down. Even with the loud noises coming from the living room, most likely his members fighting over what to watch on tv, it didn’t take long for him to fall asleep.

*

When Minho woke up, he was wrapped in his blankets, like a caterpillar inside a burrito. He unwrapped himself and sat up hanging his legs over the side of the bed. He looked at the clock, it read 7:30 am. He had slept all night. Today was their free day, but the rest of the week was filled with practice, interviews, promotions, and a couple concerts.

Thinking about going on stage in front of Stays and slipping, or messing up, or bleeding, or hyperventilating, made him want to throw up. Minho was glad today was a free day though. He could finally relax and hopefully get over everything that happened yesterday.

But poor Minho didn’t know it was going to be 10x worse.

*

Minho walked out into the living room, he could see the sleeping makneas scattered on the couch. He made his way to the kitchen getting a bowl of cereal, he sat down at the table and started eating.

He could hear heavy footsteps coming from the hallway. He looked up to see Chan wiping his sleepy eyes. Chan finally looked up and saw Minho staring back at him.

“Looks like you got good sleep.” Minho stated sarcastically.

“Yeah.” Chan replied under his breath, obviously still very tired.

“You should go back to sleep, today is our free day. Remember?”

“Yeah, but I promised our maknaes I’d take them to the park.” Chan replied looking over to the three sleeping makneas on the couch. Felix drooling all over himself.

“Our sleeping beauties.” Minho said with an amused and disgusted face.

“Yeah, tell me about it. Why don’t you join us?”

“I think I should just get more sleep.” Minho couldn’t tell whether he was lying or if he actually just wanted to sleep.

“Okay, but if anything happens, call me, I’ll come home right away.”

“I know you will.” Minho said knowing every word Chan said, he meant. Chan was always super protective, he was our leader. “Oh, by the way, are you the one that tried to suffocate me with blankets?”

“No.” He replied, completely clueless.

Just then another pair of footsteps came from the hallway. They eventually reached the living room and kitchen area and revealed a very monkey looking Changbin.

“Hey, Changbin,” Minho started with a smirk, “are you the one that put me in all those blankets?”

Changbin looked at him shocked. Then glared at him defensively. “Maybe.” He answered quickly.

“Awwww.” Chan intervened, holding the milk he just got from the fridge.

“What, he looked cold!” Changbin exclaimed defensively.

“Alright, alright.” Chan said quickly trying to control the situation before it got out of hand.

Minho got up from the table and put his bowl in the sink. He went to walk back to his room, but he stopped right in front of Changbin.   


“Thank you.” Minho said, hugging Changbin, then walking back to his room.

*

Changbin looked shocked at first, staying at the hallway Minho had exited from. It didn’t take long for it to change to pride. He was proud of what he did. He sat down at the table and ate the bowl of cereal Chan had put in front of him. Chan sat down as well with his own bowl of cereal. 

“Hey Chan?”

Chan looked up at Changbin with expecting eyes, giving Changbin the signal to continue.

“When I was wrapping Minho in the blankets… I think I saw something.” Changbin said, now with Chans full attention.

“What was it?”

I’m not sure, it was pretty dark, but I think I was…blood.” Changbin said sounding uncertain.

Blood was the last thing Chan expected Changbin to say. Secret tattoo? Maybe. Pink Plushie? Probably. But blood?

“Where was it?”

“On his right wrist.” Changbin continued as Chan had not spoken in a while. “What do we do? What if this is more serious than we thought?”

Chan could see Changbin was about to spiral. He had to calm him down.

“Changbin.” Chan said sternly, grabbing his shoulder. “You’re right, we should do something. Can you talk to him? Ask him what happened?”

“Why me?”

“He might trust you with this more than he’d trust me. If you haven’t noticed, I kinda act like a mom when it comes to you guys.” Chan said with smile.

“Kinda!?” Changbin exclaimed, smiling.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I’m just saying I think he needs a friend more than a protective figure right now.”

“Ok, I’ll talk to him.”

“Thank You”

When Changbin walked into Minhos room, he wasn’t shocked to see Minho on his bed. When Changbin walked into his room last night, Minho looked very restless, turning and shivering.

“Minho?”

*

The voice had grabbed Minhos attention. He hadn’t had any luck falling back asleep.

“Yeah?”

“Can we talk?”

Minho was worried, paranoia sneaking in his mind.

_Did Changbin know?_

“Yeah sure.” Minho said, trying to keep his cool. “Whats up?”

“When I came in here last night and tucked you in,” Changbin was so scared of what Minhos reaction to what he was about to say would be, “I think there was blood on your wrist.”

Minho couldn’t help but look shocked. If Changbin hadn’t been looking at the floor to avoid his gaze, he would have figured what he saw was true based off his expression.

Minho had to stay calm. He could think of an excuse, something to keep his secret.

“Changbin… it was blood.” To say Changbin looked shocked and scared would be an understatement.

“What! How?”

“It happened yesterday morning. I was getting out of bed and fell on something metal.” Minho lied.

“Let me see.” Changbin grabbed his wrist without any room to fight back. He removed the now very bloody band-aid and looked at the cut.

“Is this why you kept messing up during practice yesterday?”

Minho hadn’t even thought of that, it was a perfect excuse. “Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you tell any of us? We could have helped.” Changbin now looked hurt, thinking that Minho didn’t trust them enough to help him with something like this.

“I didn’t want to worry you guys. Everyone has enough on their shoulders, they don’t need my mistakes on top of it all.” Minho wasn’t lying anymore. He didn’t want them to worry.

“I have to tell Chan.” Changbin looked at him with worried eyes.

“I know.”

“But first, we have to fix this up.” Changbin said as he went to the bathroom and came back with a first aid kit.

“I’m going to assume you put a band-aid on it, instead of bandages, because of blood loss.” Changbin said snickering.

Minho smiled, but it didn’t last long. He didn’t have the heart to tell Changbin his cut was smaller when he put the bad-aid on, or that he made it worse.

“There, now get some rest.”

“Thanks, Changbin.” Minho said laying back onto his bed.

When Changbin went to the living room, Chan and the three maknaes were gone. Changbin decided to call him. He hesitated over his name, wondering if worrying him on his day off would be the best thing to do. He quickly pressed Chans name and put the phone to his ear. Chan told him to tell him anything he finds out.


	5. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changbin tries to uncover the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait lol

“Hey, what’s up?” Chan said into his phone as he threw the ball back to Jeongin and signaled to continue without him. “Is everything okay?”

Changbin hesitated for second, considering keeping his conversation with Minho to himself.

“_Changbin…_ Is everything okay?” Chan repeated, becoming more worried by the long silence.

“Yeah… it’s just Minho- “

“What happened? Is he okay? Should I come back?”

“CHAN! He’s fine. I talked to him like you told me to.”

“Oh, and what did he say?”

“He said he fell on something metal, getting out of bed yesterday.”

“Why didn’t he say anything.”

“He said he didn’t want to worry us.” Chan could practically hear Changbins eye roll through the phone.

“Anything else?” Chan asked, seeing the worried glances the maknaes were making toward him. But he quickly signaled to continue playing.

“Yeah, I looked at the wound and cleaned it up. It was bleeding a lot, Chan. It was bad.”

“You mean something that couldn’t have happened from falling.” Chan said, suspicion growing in his voice.

“Yeah… I think he lied to me.” Changbin was glad Chan couldn’t see the tears start to form in his eyes.

“He lied to all of us, Changbin.” Chan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Can you do me a favor?”

“Yeah.”

“Go into Minhos room. See if you can find anything metal with blood on it, or anything weird like that.”

“Okay, but what do we tell the others?”

“If you see them… tell them. I’ll tell Jeongin, Seungmin, and Felix after were done at the park.”

“Ok, bye Chan.”

“See you later, bye.”

After the two hung up, Chan walked slowly towards the other three, who at this point weren’t playing but watching Chan with very worried expressions. They walked closer, ready to ask a million questions.

“What happened?”

“What’s wrong?”

“Are you okay?”

Chan looked at them with a sad smile. “We’ll talk about it on the way back home. Right now, lets just play.”

The innocent childlike smiles across their faces grew. They were still concerned, but they could forget that for the moment. Chan had to allow them to continue having fun, being kids, just for awhile longer. Before he told them the truth.

*

Changbin tiptoed into Minhos room, making sure to open the door quietly. He didn’t know why he was sneaking, they go into each other’s rooms all the time. Plus, Minho was in the shower. But he still felt the need to sneak.

He walked to Minhos side, looking for anything out of the ordinary. First, he looked in his bed. He quickly searched through the blankets, making a mess on the floor. He couldn’t find anything so he moved on, now searching around the floor, looking for anything metal Minho could have cut himself on.

Changbin was so focused on searching the room, he didn’t even notice the pair of feet in front of him. He quickly got up and tried to play it cool. Which obviously didn’t work.

“What were you doing?” Hyunjin asked, arms crossed.

“Nothing.” Changbin asked, too quickly. With Hyunjin looking unconvinced in return. “What are you even doing here?”

“I live here, this is my room.” Hyunjin said signaling to his bed on the other side of the room, with eyebrows raised at how many more attempts of changing the subject Changbin would try.

With a long sigh and annoyed groan, Changbin finally decided to tell Hyunjin the truth. “Fine, but I’ll only tell you if you get the stupid look of your face.”

“At least _I _can get the stupid out of my face, you’re stuck with yours.” Hyunjin said grinning as he saw the realization set in Changbins face.

“Hey!” 

*

“What’s make you think he lied?” Hyunjin asked as he and Changbin were crawling around the floor, looking for anything suspicious.

“Cause the whole situations weird. The way he’s been acting, when he excused himself at the restaurant, saying he fell and cut himself on something metal. It just doesn’t make sense.” Changbin said, feeling defeated.

“The way he had a band-aid on a deep cut and didn’t care.” Hyunjin added, remembering what Changbin told him.

“Exactly.”

“I guess you’re right, but maybe we should just ask h- “Hyunjin was cut off from the ringing of a phone. He got off the floor and walked over to the nightstand, grabbing Minhos phone. “It’s a message from Woojin.”

“What does it say?” Changbin asked getting off the floor and walking to Hyunjins side.

_Are there any foods you want?_

_ I’m leaving the store now. I’ll be back in about five minutes._

Hyunjin couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face.

“What?” Changbin noticed the smile, pure confusion written on his face.

“Nothing its just… normal.” Hyunjin said sadly.

Changbin realized what he meant. Everything that was going on with Minho, the lies and excuses. The text was a normal for them right now. Which made it sadder then it should have been. But Changbins sad eyes turned to horror as he grabbed Hyunjins hand.

“Is- is that blood?” Changbin asked holding Hyunjins hand. They met each other’s eyes. Both terrified for the answer. Hyunjin quickly wiped the blood, making sure it wasn’t his. As he did so, something strange crossed his mind. He grabbed Minhos phone from the ground. He had dropped it when Changbin grabbed his hand. Hyunjin met Changbins scared and confused eyes again before examining the phone. He tilted it to the side, noticing what he could only explain as a dark red liquid drip from the phone. He looked at Changbin with a shocked expression. Changbin grabbed the phone from Hyunjins hands. He looked at it closer, before he pulled the case off.

And there lay the bloody razor resting in the case. Changbin was careful to grab it and lift it up. It took him a while to understand what was happening, or maybe its cause he didn’t want to say it. Cause that would make it real.

Hyunjin still hadn’t understood though, and Changbin dreaded telling him.

“wh- whats that doing in there?” He looked like a lost child, wanting the answer to a question no one could give him.

“Hyunjin...” Changbin was careful to keep his voice low and calm.

“No…” He had stumbled finally putting the pieces together, as he sat on Minhos bed. “That’s his isn’t it? He used it, he hurt himself.” He couldn’t stop the sob escape his lips as he watched Changbin nod sadly.

Changbin walked over to Minhos bed and sat beside Hyunjin. “It’s going to be okay.”

“How can you say that?” Another sob escaping the young boy.

“Because. Because he has us. We’re going to help him. Whether he wants it or not.” Changbin said petting Hyunjins hair. It gave the boy comfort, he knew that from the many times he had to calm him down after having a nightmare.

“You’re right.” Hyunjin said looking at Changbin, who wiped a stray tear from Hyunjins cheek.

Just then a loud crash echoed through the dorm, causing both boys to stand up quickly, walking towards the source. They made their way into the hallway and stopped at the bathroom door. The same bathroom Minho was taking a shower in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Compliments or constructive criticism is much appreciated!
> 
> (Sorry for being that person lol)


	6. Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minho is confused and alone

Minho walked to the bathroom, he decided to take a shower, hoping it would take his mind off everything. He opened the door and walked in, taking his clothes off and dumping them on the ground, not having the strength to care. He stepped into the shower turning the water on. He wanted to feel something, so he turned it on hot, as far as it would go. He didn’t mind the burning sensation flowing through his whole body, cause it was better than the pain in his mind. He stood there in the water for a while, watching it flow down his body, falling to the floor, then flowing to the drain.

_Why was this happening? _

_Why him?_

_Why was he acting like this?_

_Why didn’t he just talk to my members?_

_Why was he so weak?_

_Why?_

_Why?_

_Why?_

_Whywhywhywhy…_

Minho’s mind was on repeat, remembering the past couple of days. It played in his mind like a movie.

_The comments._

_Dance practice._

_His friend. He missed his friend. NO!_

_He can’t think like that anymore! He can get over it. He can move on. He doesn’t need to cut. He was strong._

Minho was on the floor now, the water still flowing over his head, falling down his face. He was hugging his knees, rocking back and forth. His mind wouldn’t stop running, no matter how much it was hurting his heart.

_The restaurant._

_The second time he cut._

_Harder. Deeper. STOP! _

_Why was he so weak?_

Minho didn’t notice he wasn’t breathing till his vision blurred. He knew he was going to pass out if he didn’t get his breathing under control. He shakingly stood up, grabbing the wall of the shower. He stepped out of the shower, walking to grab his clothes. He put them on slowly, with no energy. After he got dressed, he looked in the mirror.

_The conversation with Changbin._

_The lies._

Minho grabbed his head in frustration, he finally had gotten his breathing under control until the thoughts came back flooding his mind. He panted, choking on his own breath. He fell to his knees, pulling his hair in frustration. His eyes started to brim with unshed tears as a thought entered his mind.

He pulled open one of the drawers, landing his eyes on a pack of razors. He hesitantly grabbed one, looking at it before pulling it apart. He threw the plastic to the side as he held the small blade in his hand. It was so little, but it could do so much damage. That scared Minho.

He realized what he was doing. His brow furrowed in anger. He slowly got up and staggered to the toilet, he threw the blade in and flushed it. He watched it swirl down, then disappear.

A frown crept on his face. He felt lost again. He should be happy that he didn’t cut, he should be happy that he’s finally moving on.

But the dread in his heart wore him down, he didn’t feel any better. The blade was a release, he threw that release away. Not giving himself any choices. Minho decided that going cold turkey was the best way to get over cutting. But he was wrong.

He stood there for a while, looking down at the toilet. Listening to the water continue to run, realizing he hadn’t turned the shower off. But he didn’t make a move to turn it off. He didn’t want this anymore. This dread. This pain.

_Maybe he didn’t deserve to be in Stray Kids. _

_Maybe he didn’t deserve to be with the others._

_They were stronger then he was._

_They wouldn’t have these thoughts._

_They wouldn’t cut._

_Pathetic._

_Minho was pathetic. _

Minho took a few steps back, hitting his back against the bathroom counter. He turned around and looked at himself in the mirror.

He stared at himself. His red puffing eyes. The tear marks moving swiftly down his cheeks. His shoulders moving with his staggered breaths. He looked miserable. He _felt_ miserable.

Minho did want to cut, he knew the consequences if it went to far. He knew he could die if he wasn’t careful. But would him dying be so bad, he would escape these feelings and thoughts. His members wouldn’t have to be around him anymore, they would be free of him.

Minho was stuck between his thoughts and emotions. He wanted to cut to feel okay again. But he didn’t want this danger to continue. Minho was angry and sad. He looked at himself again, the tears still falling but slower. He then looked at his wrists, the cut that he created, was starting to heal. But why couldn’t he.

Out of anger he reeled his fist back and punched the glass. Pieces fell in all directions, some small, some large. He looked at the mess and became sad again. The water from the shower drowning out the noise, so the others couldn’t hear.

_Why did he do that?_

_No wonder the others hate him?_

_He’s such a screw up._

_He can’t do anything right._

The tears flowed quicker. He began to sob at the thought of his members hating him. He knew they did. He grabbed a large piece of glass. He started to put it against his wrist. Everything came rushing back.

He didn’t let his thoughts continue as he strengthened his grip, causing blood from his hand to peek from between his fingers. He put the point to his wrist and pressed down. A trickle leaked from the new wound. But it wasn’t enough.

He pressed down further and moved slowly, towards himself. The blood gushed from the opening in Minhos arm. The new wound started from his wrist and reached up his forearm.

The blood dripped to the floor, creating a puddle.

Minho fell to his knees, with a crash, dropping the glass. He put his hand on the wound. He didn’t know whether it was because he didn’t want to bleed out, or if it was because he didn’t want to cause to much of a mess for the others to clean up. They already hated him enough.

Minho put his back against the wall opposite to the door, closest to the shower. He could practically _feel _how pale he was. He looked around him one last time. The blood on the floor creating a puddle of red liquid, the water from the shower hitting the wall, making some of the water reach outside the shower. Minho could see the water droplets on the floor. He looked down to his right arm resting on his stomach. The blood still streaming from his forearm, making his clothes sticky with the red liquid.

Minho could hear footsteps rush to the bathroom door. He knew It was the others, the friends he didn’t deserve. Darkness was taking his vision. But before he could go, the last thing he heard was the voice of Changbin calling his name.


	7. Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changbin and Hyunjin open the bathroom door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!  
This chapter contains some instances of gore and blood.  
If these things make you upset DONT READ!

“Minho?” Changbin knocked on the bathroom door. “Minho, are you okay?”

“We heard a crash.” Hyunjin added.

The two looked at each concern written clearly on their faces. After finding out what they just discovered, they were afraid to open the door, but that was the same reason they had to.

Changbin slowly reached for the handle, turning it, hoping it wasn’t locked. He didn’t feel like kicking the door in today.

“Minho?” Changbins voice was soft, already knowing deep down why Minho wasn’t answering.

He twisted the handle and slowly pushed the door open. All they could see was crimson. They could see crimson covering the brown tiles, spreading towards them, coming from the source. The shower still running behind the unconscious body, the water dripping out of the shower, the blood blending with the water.

Hyunjin gasped, immediately covering his mouth with his hand, tears prickling in his eyes.

“Oh my god…” Changbin looked at the scene in front of him, to say it looked like a crime scene was an understatement.

Changbin had to quickly get himself together to control the situation. His legs shaking, he barely made it to Minho’s side, before he collapsed. He pressed his fingers to Minhos neck, feeling a faint pulse, that was quickly fading.

“Hyunjin,” Changbin started sternly, “call 119.”

Hyunjin wasn’t listening, he just stared at their friend – _no_ – brother, as he was bleeding out in front of them.

_“HYUNJIN!” _Hyunjin immediately snapped out of it, hearing the older yell. More tears falling down his cheeks.

“What’s going on?”

Jisung. He was in the living room watching one of his shows. He must have heard the commotion.

“Jisung! Don’t come over here! Stay away!” Changbin had to keep him away.

“Why? –“. Jisungs question was stuck in his throat as he stared at Minhos lifeless body.

“no… no.” Jisung tried to reach Minhos body but Hyunjin grabbed him before he could go through the door. Grabbing where his heart was and pulling at the fabric he _could_ grab, his heart aching.

“Hyunjin, get him out of here.” Changbin said taking charge as there was no one else capable at the moment. He had to stay strong, he can’t cry now. He couldn’t keep it in, looking at his brothers pale and bloodied body. The smell of blood poisoning his nostrils. The tears started to flow down his cheeks, but he couldn’t wipe them away, as his hands were on Minhos right forearm, trying to keep any blood he had left in his body.

Hyunjin pushed Jisung back into the living room, he grabbed his shoulder, looking him in the eyes, but it being very difficult as both were crying. “Jisung…I need – I need you to call 119, okay? So, I can help Changbin, okay?”

“O-okay…okay.” Jisung responded, choking on his repressed sobs. He walked to the couch and grabbed his phone, his hands shaking, as he tried to dial an ambulance.

Hyunjin jogged back to the bathroom, “The ambulance should be here soon.” Hyunjin crouched down next to Changbin, grabbing Minhos wrist to help stop the bleeding.

Changbin nodded, not trusting his voice right now. He just didn’t understand why this happened. He’d figure out, no matter what. But after Minho’s okay.

Jisung kept the phone to his ear as there was a knock on the door. He walked over and opened it. Woojin walked in, his hands filled with grocery bags.

“Sorry I couldn’t open the door myself, had my hands full.” Woojin said, walking in and putting the bags on the counter, he started to put the groceries away.

“I got some instant ramen for Minho, I didn’t know what he wanted so I just got him that.” He glanced at Jisung, once he heard a sob escape the younger, also noticing the tears streaming down his squirrel-like cheeks.

“Jisung? What’s wrong?” Woojin walked over to the younger and put his hands on his shoulders. “Jisung… talk to me. What _happened_?” Woojin grabbed Jisung’s chin, making him look him in the eyes.

“It- Its… Min- Minho…” Jisung replied through sobs.

“What about Minho? Jisung… what happened?!”

“The… the bathroom…. Go to the bathroom.” Jisung looked away from the older, walking out of his grasp, sitting back down on the couch.

Woojin looked back and forth between Jisung and the bathroom. He started to walk towards it hesitantly.

He reached the bathroom peering in, seeing three different faces. One was dark, eyes clouded over with guilt and pain, tear streaks down his cheeks. Changbin. The other was scared, his eyebrows furrowed so much it was starting to crease his fore head, tears still streaming down, reaching his chin, then falling off, hitting his outreached arms. Hyunjin. The third was pale. Too pale. His chest barely moving an inch, blood pooling from his forearm. The red substance covering his stomach, as that was what his arm was resting on. His eyes closed, but if they were open Woojin was sure they would look lifeless. Minho.

Woojin walked in, stepping in the puddle of blood, reaching the shower. He turned it off, getting his hand wet, and knelt to the others. They barely looked at him, not taking their eyes off their dying friend. Woojin took his jacket off and put the cloth on the wound. Pressing down hard.

“Jisung called the ambulance?” It wasn’t really a question, but the two nods he got, still answered his suspicion.

None of them could really do anything. They weren’t doctors, they were idols. They shouldn’t have to worry about stuff like this, they were all still young, and they were still technically new to being idols. All they could do was wait. Wait for the ambulance to show up, to help their friend before it hopefully wasn’t too late.

** _2 minutes later_ **

** **

“He’s over here.” Jisung told the paramedics, leading them towards the bathroom. He opened the door to see two guys standing there, multiple bags in hand.

The two paramedics walked into the bathroom, three sets of hopeful eyes landing on theirs.

Woojin knew the paramedics needed space, so he grabbed the other two, and stood up. He led them to the hallway where Jisung was waiting. Hyunjin and Changbin were reluctant to move from their positions. But seeing the paramedics start to unpack their equipment to help Minho, they got up.

The four stood in the doorway to the bathroom, watching the paramedics open Minho’s eyelid, then they checked his pulse. One of them pulled something out of their bag and started to put it above his elbow. The strange object seemed to slow the bleeding, also releasing four sighs from the doorway.

The air was still, nothing but silence filled the void. They couldn’t do anything, again. They had to move over again as another paramedic with a stretcher came through their front door. The large object causing them to move to the living room.

After a couple of seconds later, the paramedics walked out of the hallway, carrying the stretcher. Minho’s body being carried with it. His head wobbling back and forth with the movements.

Hyunjin could see the wound was covered up in a bright white bandage, besides the small red patch at the base of the wrist. The blood already seeping through the bandage.

“One of you can with us in the ambulance.” One of the paramedics turned around to look at the four, the other paramedics continuing. They were just standing there not really knowing what to do with themselves. The paramedic took pity on them.

“No thank you. We’ll meet you there. We’re going to go together.” Woojin stated, looking towards the paramedic, but not totally focusing on him.

The paramedic shrugged and walked out of the door, closing it behind him.

None of them did anything for what seemed like eternity.

“Why didn’t you go with him?” Hyunjin finally asked, breaking the silence, but not facing towards the target of the question.

“I didn’t want to split us up right now.” Woojin answering, still fazed, looking at the door, as if all the answers he wanted were written on it.

“But you could be with him!” Hyunjin was balling his bloody fists at his sides, now staring directly at Woojin, tears threatening to fall once again, even when he almost got it under control.

“Hyunjin…” Now staring at him, his _own _tears threatening to fall, surprising the younger. “I didn’t think putting one of us with our unconscious friend in a hospital _alone_, waiting for him to wake up, when he probably won’t for a while, was the best idea.

“We’ll go together.” Putting his hand on Hyunjins shoulder, the younger looking down. All the older could see was the tears dripping from his face and crashing to the floor. Woojin pulled the younger in a hug. One that was needed for both parties.

Jisung and Changbin watching from the side, joined the hug. The four stayed like that for a while. Enjoying the company of the others, silently telling each other they’re here if they want to talk.

“We need to clean up.” Woojin said, pulling from the hug. The others nodded and they separated to start cleaning.

Jisung got the mop and sponges. Woojin got the bucket and filled it with hot water. Changbin and Hyunjin washed their hands, still having Minhos blood on them.

After Hyunjin washed his hands and eventually got the blood off, Changbin was next. He put some soap in his hands and put them under the running faucet. He scrubbed and scrubbed, it still didn’t come off. So, he kept scrubbing. Faster. _Harder_.

“Changbin?!” Hyunjin yelled, gaining the attention of the older. “Are you okay?”

Hearing a sob from Changbin wouldn’t be something anyone could have guessed. All Hyunjin could see was the mismatched movements of his shoulders. And hearing his strangled cry.

Changbin was leaning on his palms, against the faucet.

“We were too late.” Changbin said too quietly to hear.

“What did you say?” Hyunjin asked, making sure to keep his voice low, patient to let Changbin talk.

“We knew… we knew he – was cutting,” Changbin faced Hyunjin, his eyes pink and puffy, nose a matching color. “We were too… late. If we had found the raz – or a couple of minutes soo – sooner…”

Hearing Changbins sobs through his sentences was difficult, seeing one of his strongest brothers break down, wanted to make Hyunjin join him.

But he couldn’t. That’s not what Changbin needed right now.

“I know Changbin, but we should be lucky we got to him in time at all.” Changbin nodded. He took a deep breath.

He looked down at his hands, they were red from the hot water and the scrubbing, but the blood was gone.

It had been 5 minutes since the paramedics took Minho to the hospital. The four had cleaned up, Woojin and Jisung cleaning the bathroom. It looked better then it did before, close to shining their reflection. Not a drop of blood left.

Changbin and Hyunjin had cleaned themselves up and cleaned the bedroom they had made a mess of earlier. The whole _dorm_ looked brand new.

The four met up in the living room. No one had spoken a word to each other, reveling in the silence. They didn’t have any energy to speak. They were all exhausted from the last hour.

“Can we go to the hospital now?” Jisung asked, asking the eldest. And the only one with a driver’s license.

“Don’t you want to eat?”

“We can eat after we know Minho is okay.” Changbin added for Jisung.

“What if he wakes up – “Jisung started.

“I told you, it’s highly unlikely he’ll wake up any time soon.”

“But what if he _does _wake up? And he’s all alone. He already tried to kill himself once, I don’t want him to think we don’t care.” Jisung said, eyes blurry.

Woojin sighed, wiping a stray tear from Jisung’s cheek with his thumb. “Okay, we’ll go see Minho.”

The three smiled, bringing a smile to Woojins face. That was the happiest they have been in hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking about postponing this chapter because of Sulli.   
I never knew her, and I never got into f(x). But if I did i know i wouldnt have regretted it. 
> 
> If anyone needs to talk - @AngelsofLimbo on twitter  
I'll follow back!  
Dont be afraid to reach out!


	8. Phone Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan and the maknaes come home, to find the others arent there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its been a while

“Maybe he _did_ just fall on something metal.” Felix said walking into the elevator going up to their dorms.

“Yeah, what makes you think he lied?” Jeongin added, the worry creeping into his voice.

“The way he’s been acting, the way he’s been talking, pretty much everything about him lately.” Chan answered pressing the button to their floor.

The elevator started with a ding, rocking a little before slowly moving up to their floor. The ride was silent. The four keeping themselves busy in their own minds.

“Look, I sent Changbin to make sure everything is fine. So, I’m sure everything is fine, otherwise he would have called by now. So, there’s no need to worry.” The four stepped out of the elevator, the makneas’ brows were still furrowed in concern, but he nodded anyway.

Chan was still worried about them, but he didn’t say anything else. They walked to their dorm, Chan pulled out his keys and unlocked the door.

The dorm was quiet, too quiet. There wasn’t music playing from Jisungs room, like there normally is. There wasn’t any yelling from Changbins room, as he and Minho would usually play video games and argue the whole time. There wasn’t any stomps or crashes coming from Hyunjins room, as he would normally come up with choreography or dance for fun. There wasn’t even water dripping from the faucet, Woojin would normally be starting dinner or doing dishes by now.

Chan made his way through the dorm.

_Nobody in the living room_

_Nobody in the Kitchen _

_Nobody in the bedrooms_

Chan was officially worried now. He closed the bedroom door to Hyunjin and Minho’s room, not trying to focus on the mess of blankets on the floor. He started walking back to the others in the living room, but he stopped short of the bathroom door.

He sniffed around the door, he could smell something coming from inside, but he couldn’t tell what it was. He cautiously opened the door, immediately pinching his nose at the strong smell.

_Bleach_

Chans brows only furrowed further, the smell was starting to give him a headache. But he pushed further and turned the light on. The floor was spotless… literally. There wasn’t even a spec of dirt, the floor was even shiny, reflecting the bathroom light.

He stood there thinking for a moment. Everything was so confusing. Why the bleach? Why clean the bathroom at all? Unless something happened? Where was the others? Why hadn’t they called yet?

The world was starting to spin to Chan. He shut the door and walked back to the living room.

“Have any of the others contacted you guys?” Chan asked the other three.

Some of them looked at their phones, but they all answered with no’s.

“Where could they be?” Jeongin asked.

“I don’t know, but I’m starting to get worried.” Chan replied looking around the room, as if it would give him any answers.

“Why? Do you think something happened to them?” Seungmin asked, his voice wavering at their leader getting worried.

“I’m not sure… I just have this pit in my stomach like somethings wrong.” Chan said.

The three looked on at Chan, minds wondering to what could have possibly happened to them, the conversation about Minho slowly creeping back into their minds.

“You don’t think something happened to Minho, do you?” Seungmin asked what was on everyone’s minds.

“I don’t know for sure… but we should be prepared for anythin –.” Chan started but was cut short by the ringing in his pocket.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at the caller ID. He quickly answered it, not letting it ring any longer.

_“Woojin?! _Where are you guys?!” Chan looked around at the worried expressions of the maknaes, before his eyes widened at the voice on the other side.

“Woojin! Slow down… breathe. Tell me what happened.” Chan turned his back to the others, trying the keep his voice from wavering, trying to stay strong.

“What?... oh- oh my god… okay… we’ll be right there.”

“What’s going on?”

“What happened?”

“Are you okay? Chan, what’s wrong?”

Chan slowly turned to face the others. He really dreaded telling them anything. He, himself, didn’t know much about the situation, only what Woojin told him.

“Minho is in the hospital. We’re going to go meet the others there now.”

“Oh my god, what happened?”

“Is he okay?”

“I don’t know. Woojin didn’t tell me much. But pack some stuff, I don’t know how long we’re going to be there.” Chan looked down, he wanted to stay strong for the three, but the longer he looked at their watery eyes, the harder it became.

The three walked out of the living room, grabbing what they needed.

Chan, alone in the living room, sat down on the couch. He put his head in his hands and took a shaky breath. He lifted his head up. Tears spilling from his eyes as the phone call replayed in his head.

_“Chan- Chan… its Min-ho… Minho,” A sob broke through Woojins voice, Chan could tell he was trying to stay quiet, most likely because the others were near. _

_“Woojin! Slow down… breathe. Tell me what happened.”_

_“We found him- we found him in the bathroom… there was blood everywhere Chan…he was dying. Chan he… he slit his own wrists.” Another choked sob. Woojin quickly told him which hospital they were at._

_“What?... oh- oh my god… okay… we’ll be right there.” _

Chan dried his tears and stood up from the couch. He didn’t like lying to the youngests. But he couldn’t tell them everything. It would break them. It would break _him._


	9. Hospital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan and the Maknaes head to the hospital and unite with the others

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait

The ride to the hospital was long, only because of the silence. Nobody had said anything. Nobody wanted to.

Chan drived. Jeongin and Seungmin were asleep in the back seat. Felix was in the passenger seat, looking out the window.

The trees made a green blur. The road moved by fast. He looked on into the world wondering how something could go so wrong in their lives. Everything had been so normal a few days ago. How could it have gotten this bad?

They came to a stop at a red light. Felix watched the car next to them, he watched the people inside. It was a family.

The dad was driving, the mom was in the passenger seat. Two kids were in the back. The kids had ice cream all over their mouths and fingers. The mom was trying to clean them up. The dad was quickly handing her napkins. The kids were laughing, while continuing to ‘accidently’ shove the ice cream cones up their noses. It took a second for Felix to realize they were happy.

The parents were laughing at their kids and the mess they made. The kids were happy, eating their ice cream. They looked at each other, smiles across all their faces.

Felix was jealous. Jealous at their happiness. At how carefree they were. His life was hard. He missed having ice cream anytime he wanted. He missed his home. He missed his family. Felix had to resist the urge to laugh, even If he did, the laugh would have been empty. His friend was in the hospital and he was jealous of a kid. He looked away from the window and looked towards Chan.

He should have said something. Should have mentioned, or even asked, why Chan’s eyes were pink. It wasn’t that noticeable, but with Felix sitting right next to him, it was noticeable.

Felix knew Chan hadn’t told them everything about the phone call. But if Chan didn’t say anything, he knew it was for a good reason, so he didn’t push.

The two in the back had fallen asleep almost immediately, probably from the exhaustion of playing outside, then getting back home and everything that happened. Chan felt guilty waking them up.

“Guys,” he shaked them slightly, “we’re here.”

The two stirred. Slowly opening their eyes, adjusting to the sunlight.

The four made their way to the entrance of the hospital. When they walked in, Chan walked ahead to talk to the receptionist. The other three walked slowly behind. Seungmin put his arm around Jeongin’s shoulder.

“Can you tell me what room my friend is in?”

“Are you family?”

Chan looked behind him to the others, their doe eyes staring back, he turned back the receptionist.

“Yes.”

The lady didn’t believe him, but she was already aware of the patient they were looking for, the state he was in and the other men that came with him. She sighed.

“Room 296.”

Chan nodded. “Thank you.”

The small group made their way to room 296. Once they got to the room, they hesitated to open the door. Before they could knock, the door flew open.

Jisung shot to Chan, wrapping his arms around him, so fast, Chan had to take a step back, so he didn’t fall over.

Chan instantly wrapped his arms around Jisung, hugging just as tight.

“Okay, enough you too, before you both pass out.” Hyunjin tried to joke, but Chan could tell he had been crying.

Chan let go of Jisung, who went to hug the makneas, and hugged Hyunjin.

Hyunjin lead the makneas into the room.

Woojin stood aside, letting them pass. He shut the door behind him. It was just him and Chan in the hallway. They both stood there for a second before they shot to each other, embracing one another. Their chests smashed together, causing a low smack sound.

They pulled apart, hands on each other’s shoulders. They looked at each other. They both had tears streaming down their cheeks.

“Minho- “Woojin began.

“I know… I Know.” Woojin sobbed. Chan pulled him back to together, they stood in the hallway for a long time.

Once they all gathered into room 296, Changbin and Hyunjin explained what they did before they found Minho. Searching his room, finding the razor, hearing a crash, looking in the bathroom. Everyone looked away from each other, and towards Minho. But before they could ask questions, the doctor walked into the room.

She saw eight people around the small, dark room. Some sat in chairs, some on the floor. She looked at them with pity.

She knocked on the door, grabbing most of their attention, others continued to stare at their unconscious friend.

“What can you tell us?” Changbin asked, eyes wide.

The doctor took a breath before starting.

“Your friend lost a lot of blood. Your lucky you got to him when you did, any longer he probably would have died of blood loss,” She took a pause waiting for it to sink in, “He cut pretty deep… any deeper he would have hit an artery.”

“What does that mean?” Seungmin’s weak voice spoke from his spot on the ground.

“He probably would have died in seconds.” Seungmin looked down.

“What can we do?” Jisung asked.

“We already gave him a blood transfusion for the blood loss, and stitched up the wound. All he needs right now is rest.”

“And when he wakes up?” Hyunjin asked.

Another pity breath. “We’ll keep him on suicide watch, with a guard outside. Do any of you know why he did this?” They all shook their heads.

“When will he wake up?” Chan asked.

“I’m not sure.”

“Can we stay?” Jeongin asked, looking up at the doctor, unshed tears forming.

“Visiting hours- “

“Please,” One tear, “if- if he wakes up. If he wakes up, he- he shouldn’t be alone.” Second tear. “please”

“Okay.” She smiled down at him. I’ll inform the guard outside that you’ll be staying.” She gave a second for any more questions before she left.

The eight went back to silence. The light from the hallway and above Minho’s head was the only light in the room. The five chairs, occupied with people, three bodies on the floor and unconscious body on the hospital bed were the only people in the room. The beeping of the monitors, and slow breathing of Minho were the only sounds.

“Why did he do it? Why did this happen to him?”

Nobody spoke, leaving the question unanswered, only continuing to look at Minho.


	10. Waking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> minho wakes up

The first sense that came back to Minho was his hearing. He heard beeps and low humming, but he was still too drowsy to discern which direction it was coming from. 

The second sense that came back was smell. The sterile room gave off a chemical scent. He wasn’t sure why.

The third sense was touch. Minho wiggled his fingers slightly, feeling the bed sheet crinkle against his fingers. He could also feel a cold metal against his wrists.

The fourth sense was his taste. But not having eaten anything caused a lack of it. Besides that, his mouth and throat were dry.

The last sense that came back was sight. Minho opened his eyes a little, but he immediately closed them. The pristine white room was blinding, the bright light from overhead mixed with the sunlight pouring into the room from the large windows was enough for anyone to look away, let alone someone who just woke up.

When he tried again, now ready for the light, he took his time. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the light and to being open after a while.

Once he fully opened his eyes, he felt unbearably overwhelmed.

The white room filled with unrecognizable machines, that he now realized was the source of the beeping. The cuffs chaffing against his wrists was probably the biggest puzzle right now.

_Why was he handcuffed?_

_Where was he?_

Minho was starting to become alarmed. His breathing quickened. He looked around the room; his eyes darted back and forth between the room and the handcuffs. Until he spotted 8 sleeping forms on the floor and a few chairs.

One of the chairs was right next to his bed. The form was bobbing up and down slowly, the only indication whoever it was, was alive. Speaking of which, the bright blonde hair was the only indication as to who it was, as they were facing away from Minho.

Minho jostled the cuffs. They wouldn’t be coming undone without a key, or a lockpick.

The jostling must have been noisier than Minho thought, because the blonde fluff began to move.

Chan looked tired, he looked beyond tired. He looked as emotionally exhausted as one could get.

Once Chan lifted his head, Minho could see the circles under his eyes.

He must have stayed up and accidently fell asleep. How Minho hadn’t noticed the sleeping form as soon as he woke up was beyond him.

And how Chan hadn’t noticed the _awoken_ form was also beyond him.

Once Chan rubbed his eyes for a few seconds, he looked towards the cuddle pile on the floor, counting heads. Everyone was accounted for. He yawned, rubbed his eyes once more and finally turned his head to the left.

Chan had to do a double take, but Minho’s _open _eyes staring back at him, caused his own to go wide.

“Minho?” Chan stood up quickly but stopped himself from smothering the younger. Instead he slowly lifted his hand and caressed Minho’s cheek.

_He looks so broken. _Minho thought

_Did _I_ cause his pain?_

_Yes. _The voice in his mind practically screamed that it was his fault.

Minho shook his head, trying to get the nonphysical voice to go away. But the action caused Chan to quickly remove his hand, as if Minho burned him. He looked even more broken than before, if that was possible.

“S-sorry.” Chan said softly, he sat back down.

“no- “Minho tried to tell him he didn’t mind the affection, but his dry throat prohibited him from sounding human.

Chan quickly grabbed the glass of water beside the bed, and poured some into Minho’s mouth, before he went into a coughing fit.

“Thanks.”

“Of course.” Chan watched Minho silently, waiting for him to say something.

But Minho had nothing to say.

“Minho.” Minho looked at Chan. “Please talk to me.”

“Chan…” Before Minho could talk any further, the lumps on the ground started groaning and moving.

“What time is it?” Changbin asked while sitting up and rubbing his face.

“Stop yelling.” Jisung said while also sitting up.

“I’m _not_ yelling.” Changbin stopped what he was doing and looked at the younger with an annoyed yet concerned look.

“Jisung, are you… drunk?” Hyunjin asked.

“No.”

“Then why are you acting like you have a hangover?”

“Look Hyunjin,” Jisung started annoyed, “having a hangover and just waking up is like the same thing.”

Hyunjin rolled his eyes but didn’t argue back.

Jisung got up from the ground and brushed off his clothes. Until his eyes landed on Minho. His eyes widened, tears already forming. The others looked at him confused and concerned. But before they could ask if he was okay:

“M-Minho?”

Their eyes shot to the patient, eyes matching Jisung’s.

The 7 of them tried to run to Minho’s bedside, but Chan stopped them before they could smother Minho with questions and hugs.

“Guys be careful. He just woke up.” Chan put his hand down.

They all deflated.

Nobody said anything for a little while.

“Minho? Can we please talk about what happened?” Chan looked at Minho, brows furrowed.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t do that?” Chan looked down, not disappointed, but tired.

“Do what?”

“That. Don’t pretend like you don’t remember anything. Please… please talk to us.” Chan was close to tears.

Minho sighed and looked down.

Minho knew where he was. He knew _why_ he was there. He knew why they had cuffed him. He felt bad making them relive it. But he couldn’t face them. Couldn’t explain to them why he did it; he didn’t want to answer all their questions.

_Why did you do it? _

_Was it something we did?_

_Please talk to us_

_We can help you_

_Let us help you_

He couldn’t explain why he tried to die.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“M-inho.” Jisung hiccupped, tears falling down his cheeks.

Minho looked up at him but looked back to his lap.

“I said I don’t want to talk about it.” His words were harsh, but his voice was pleading.

“Minho,” Woojin started sternly, “this isn’t something we can just ignore. You- you tried to hurt yourself.” Woojin had to blink to push back the tears.

Minho didn’t say anything after. He knew he should talk about it. But he didn’t want to face them and be the cause of their tears.

Before any of them could speak up, the doctor walked back in.

“Minho, I’m glad you’re awake. How are you feeling?” The doctor gave a rehearsed smile; one she had to give to a hundred patients a day, while also holding a metal clipboard.

Minho looked up at the others but didn’t meet any of their eyes as they were all looking away from him. He looked at the doctor and gave one of his own rehearsed smiles.

“Better.”

“Good.” The doctor wrote a few notes on the clipboard, then turned her attention to the machines. “Your vitals and blood pressure are steady. You’re going to make a full recovery.” She turned to Chan. “Any questions?”

“How long till he’s ready to leave?”

She briefly glanced at Minho. “Sir, even if he’ll make a full recovery, he’s still under suicide watch.” Jeongin tensed at the word. She looked at him pityingly. She turned to Minho.

“You’ll be under suicide watch for a couple of weeks,” Minho shook his wrist, “The cuffs stay on until we are sure that you’re no danger to yourself or others. The guard outside will also be staying until you’re free to leave. Is that all?” Everyone nodded. The doctor left.

Nobody spoke for what seemed like the tenth time.

“Wait. What about promotions?” Minho didn’t really care about their schedule. In fact, it was the last thing on his mind, but he needed to break the tension.

“We talked to our manager last night. We tried to push them back, but we couldn’t. He said we would just have to do it without you.” Chan looked completely defeated, he tried so hard to convince their manager to wait for Minho to get better, but it was out of his hands. They waited since their debut to get on this show. This was their only chance.

“That’s okay. You guys will do good whether I’m there or not.”

Everyone looked down, ashamed they had to do it without Minho.

_They’re faking it_

_They’re happy you aren’t going with them_

_Shut up!_

Minho went to grab his head, but the cuffs stopped him.

“Do you have a schedule today?”

Chan wanted anything then to tell Minho they had to leave him alone, handcuffed to a hospital bed.

“yeah, we have practice. And we have to do a few interviews.” Chan said weakly.

“Go. It’s okay. Don’t make Stays upset.” Minho tried to put on his rehearsed smile, but it was more difficult to people he loved.

They all tried to think of reasons to stay that would _actually_ work against their manager.

Minho could see the gears turning in their heads. “Really… it’s okay. I’ll be okay. It’s not like I can really do anything.” He jiggled the handcuffs for emphasize.

They all went to his bed side and hugged him one by one. It was hard for each one to let go.

Chan was the last one to leave. He looked back and gave a closed smile, holding back tears.

Minho returned with his own toothy smile.

Once Chan was gone, and had closed the door, Minho’s smile fell.

He slammed his head against his pillow.

A tear escaped his eye.

He bit his lip.

Another tear.

He slammed his head again.

Minho cried in silence

One thought was in his mind.

_They wouldn’t have left if they actually cared about you_


	11. What's the True Definition of Happiness?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He just wants to be happy or free  
Whichever comes first

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry

“How are you feeling today Minho?” The doctor came into the room, doing the usual routine. Consisting of checking vitals, blood pressure, blah blah blah.

Minho had started tuning out the checkups, all he listened to was the doctor asking how he was doing and saying she’ll check on him later. Of course, he never talked back, just watching people pass the doorway. No one visiting or caring. Sometimes nurses would stand outside the doorway and whisper, gossiping to each other, about how long it would take for him to either get better or kill himself.

He started tuning them out too.

It had been a couple of days since the others were there. Minho had been doing good, to the point where his psychologist that came in every other day, allowed him to have one of his hands free.

Now every time the nurse would bring in his lunch, he didn’t have to be fed like a child.

One of the worst things about being in this situation, besides, of course, the constant feeling of suffering and the voice telling him to die, was how humiliating and weak he felt. He couldn’t even go to the bathroom without someone there, placing a bed pan between his legs.

Everyday Minho told himself he was going to do better. Be better. Think better. Feel better. He always tried. But something always stopped him from succeeding, if it wasn’t the gossiping nurses, it was the cuff, if it wasn’t the smiling faces of recovering patients, it was his own mind.

He couldn’t blame other people for being happy. He could only blame himself for prohibiting his own happiness.

He stared down at the bandage covering his arm. He reached his other arm over and started unwrapping it.

He wanted to see the damage. He wanted to see what he had tried to accomplish.

The bandage was replaced not too long ago. The bloody one, the paramedics used, long since disposed.

He pulled the tape off slowly, revealing a long line of stitches.

Minho silently grimaced and put the bandage back on. He tried to remember back to when the doctor last checked the wound. He thinks he remembers her saying the stitches could be taken out in a few days, and something about it being fully healed in a week.

Every day that the psychologist would come in, he mentioned how lucky he was that he survived. And every time he said that, Minho would inwardly scoff.

_He was lucky? He didn’t feel lucky. _

“You survived a traumatic experience. I’m here to make sure your mind heals properly.”

_I survived? I survived because I failed. _

_Traumatic experience? I caused it myself. The only tragedy was that I lived to see the aftermath. _

_Help my mind heal? I don’t need help fixing my mind because of what happened to me. I need help fixing my mind, so I don’t do it again. _

Today the psychologist came in again. It was the same questions every time. So, Minho decided, he was gonna give the same answers every time.

“How are you feeling today?”

“Good.”

“It’s okay to be scared, you know that right?”

“Yes.”

_This guy should really be fired_

The pattern repeated for another hour till the ‘psychologist’ left.

Minho breathed a heavy sigh. He looked around the room till his eyes landed on the remote for the small tv on the wall in front of him.

He reached over with his free hand and turned the tv on.

_The others are on right now, aren’t they?_

Minho hesitated over the numbers on the remote that would take him to the channel of his friends being happy without him.

If only that was what went through his mind…

_I’m sure they are miserable without me, right?_

_They will look sad and worried _

He pressed the channel numbers and the screen blinked to the show.

And there they were, smiling and joking. Laughing and dancing.

If Minho was smiling before, it would have dropped instantly.

He thought about changing the channel, looking away, anything that would rid the aching in his heart, but the same thought was overtaking him.

_Are they happy without me?_

The screen flicks quickly to the live audience, Stays holding up signs, screaming all their names. But there’s one sign that catches Minho’s eyes.

“OT8 FOREVER!”

He swears he saw their smiles falter when their eyes landed on the sign, but Minho peels his glossy eyes away, looking for his phone frantically. He grabs It and opens twitter.

“They look so good up there”

“They’re the best! Fighting!”

“Come one Stays, we got this!”

“Where’s Minho?”

“I don’t know. I hope he’s okay.”

“Who cares. They’re better without him.”

_Who cares?_

_Who _does_ care?_

_Stays don’t…_

_Stray Kids obviously don’t… _

_Do I?_

_No…_

_I don’t think you _do_._

_I don’t…_

Minho looked at his text messages, the last one being a couple days ago.

“We’ll come visit soon.”

_They probably forgot about you_

Minho shakes the thoughts from his head.

He doesn’t notice the tears slipping from his eyes till one drops on his hand. He opens his eyes and blinks a few times to rid himself of the blurriness.

He doesn’t want to cry anymore; he doesn’t want to be weak anymore. He doesn’t want to feel like this anymore.

So, he tries to finish what he started.

“How do you think he’s doing?”

“I’m not sure. I hope he’s doing better though.”

“I couldn’t stop thinking about him the whole time we were on that show.”

“Me neither. I hope it isn’t noticeable or our manager is going to have a fit.”

The eight walked till they got to Minho’s room, then they stopped outside, Chan looking to the group.

“Guys… make sure you don’t bombard him. It will take a while before he seems like his old self.” Chan waited till he got visual confirmation before he knocked quietly on the door and slowly pushed the doorknob.

“Minho? You awake?” Chan peered into the room, before he swung the door open, surprising the others.

Till they spot the bed and freeze. Time seemed to slow down.

Woojin pushed past the others and ran into the room. Chan snapping out of his confused daze and following. 

The two eldest looked around the entire room.

The only thing they could see was an empty bed, one handcuff hanging on the rail, a paperclip sticking out of the lock, and a pile of papers on the floor.

“Where is he?!”

“Where could he have gone!”

“Wait guys,” Felix caught the attention of everyone, stopping the two eldest’s panic. “Wasn’t there supposed to be a guard?”

Everyone’s eyes widened. Chan charged back to the hallway, where he spotted the guard with a jello cup in hand.

Chan saw red.

“You left to get a snack!”

“Chan let him go!”

Chan didn’t realize he had pushed the guard against the wall. But he still didn’t let him go.

“I was only gone for a couple minutes.”

“Yeah, but that was still enough time for Minho.”

The guards face paled. “H-he’s gone?”

“Yes! My friend could be dead, and you got a fucking a snack!” Chan had tears running down his face. Woojin slowly went to Chans side, grabbing his hands off the guard’s collar.

Chan finally let go and looked around at the other’s faces, some were also angry, but most were scared.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine we just have to find Minho.” Chan nodded.

Jeongin watched the others start to ask everyone around them if they had seen Minho, so Jeongin asked the first person he saw.

“Excuse me, have you seen the patient in that room anywhere?” The two nurses looked at the room he was pointing towards and nodded.

“You mean the suicide guy,” Jeongins face grew dark at the nickname. “He walked by here a few minutes ago.”

“He went on the elevator.”

“Do you know which floor he went to?”

“Not sure.” The nurses shrugged their shoulders and went back to talking.

Jeongin had to stop himself from rolling his eyes.

Then something clicked in his mind. He couldn’t think like a friend right now, he had to think like a doctor. Where would a suicidal patient go in a hospital?

Would he go into one of the bathrooms? No, too many people could walk in or already be in there.

He wouldn’t try to leave, would he? No, too big a risk to be seen by his doctor or being stopped by the receptionist.

Jeongins eyes widened.

“Guys!” Every head shot in his direction. “I know where he went!”

The eight ran to the stairwell.

They barged through the door and started climbing the steps.

They had to hurry.

They have to get to the roof.

They have to stop Minho.

They have to save him.

They _need _to save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long  
im also sorry for this chapter and whats going to come


End file.
